Welcome and Introduction to the Toilet Rankings

Welcome to the UNMH Best Places to Poo Blog!

     Many of you may have heard that I have been planning this project for a while.  As a frequent (and discerning) hospital pooper, I have come to realize that not all commodes are created equal.  There are some truly zen places to drop a deuce, and others that are so bad that I would rather soil myself.  I welcome input from all fellow enthusiasts of the excrement environment.  Please share your thoughts, I hope to make this website a valuable resource.\

The Scoring System

I have decided to score toilets in 4 different categories:  Cleanliness, Traffic, Privacy, and Amenities.  Each category has a minimum score of 1 and a maximum score of 5.  These will be further outlined below.

Cleanliness

5:  You could probably eat off of the floor.  Bowl is scrubbed clean, no foul odors.  Plumbing in tip-top working order.  soap and TP dispensers always full.

4.  Clean enough.  Perhaps some water spills on the sink area, a full trashcan, etc.

3.  Marginal.  Urine spray on the toilet seat, perhaps some remnant scrapers within the bowl.  Often out of toilet paper or paper towels.  soap may or may not be present.

2.  Foul.  Usually a plugged toilet, with a mountain of TP in one of the bowls.  An odor of feces will usually permeate the bathroom.  You may reconsider whether or not you actually want to use these facilities.  Graffiti everywhere.  Trashcan overflowing.

1.  Unusable.  You are fairly certain that this bathroom doubles as a home for local vagrants.  very likely there is fecal matter on the toilet seat itself.  Most people would rather shit themselves than use this facility. 

Traffic

5.  Rare usage.  Likely, most people are not aware that this facility exists.  These gems are low usage 24/7, so you don't have to get to them early.  Access is limited to staff only.

4.  Not a go to bathroom.  Minimal usage by patients and visitors.  Mostly staff.

3.  Fairly regular usage by lots of staff and a moderate number of visitors.  Occasionally this facility will be full and you will have to wait in line.

2.  Heavy traffic.  Lines are frequent.  TP/soap/etc. runs out from time to time.  Ideal usage is early in the day, before most people have gotten to it.  Large volume of visitor traffic.

1.  Public ShitHouse.  These bathrooms are so frequented by visitors that most staff know to stay away.  Some staff access bathrooms are utilized so much that they can earn this rating, i.e. even as early as 0630 someone has already destroyed the toilets with last night's enchiladas.  Zero exclusivity.  

Privacy

5.  Secluded.  You could be screaming with labor pains while trying to pass an NFL football-sized turd in this bathroom and nobody would ever hear you.  You could walk out undetected.  Bathrooms must be single-user with a lockable door only to be considered for this rating.

4.  Semi-private.  Multiple stalls, but in a low-traffic area of the hospital that is secluded.  Often times, you will be the only person in the facility (see traffic rating).  Usually people don't see you going in and out.

3.  Average.  People see you walking in and out of the place, and they know what you're up to.  However, they will not be able to hear the sound effects.  Depending on the load you're dropping, the smell may or may not exit the bathroom.

2.  Poor.  Outsiders can tell that you're taking a shit by sight, sound and smell.  Usually high traffic.  Neighboring stalls will recognize your shoes and may accost you with an unexpected (and totally inappropriate) lavatory greeting.

1.  Unacceptable.  It is very possible that the people outside the bathroom can taste the particulate fecal matter from your dookie.  They will be able to hear every "plop" as each turd nugget plunges into the water, and can tell how many flushes it took and whether or not you washed your hands.  You may as well be shitting in public.

Amenities

5.  Amazing.  The only thing missing is a bathroom attendant.  Updated tile-work, perhaps even some artwork.  5's are rare at UNMH.  To be considered, there must be a mirror and hooks to hang your white coat.  These bathrooms are so nice that you may forget where you are.  Air freshener sprayers often present.

4.  Very nice.  Some above average equipment--diaper changing station, hand dryer, etc.  Might be missing coat hooks or mirrors, but not both.  Flat-topped toilet paper dispensers for placing your smartphone.

3.  Average.  Usually no coat hooks or mirrors, paper towel dispensers may be broken, but all the stalls should have functional latches.  Occasionally you will find a gently used Alibi or Daily Lobo to read.

2.  Not so good.  Broken latches, no mirrors or hooks.  round-topped TP dispensers.  All the plumbing works though.

1.  Broken plumbing.  No amenities.  Unusable.